Little Johnny Frankenstein

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Little Johnny Frankenstein lived in the tool shed at the end of the subway line.  Most nights he sat in his shed and listened to the coming and going of the rail cars and the noises of the maintenance men as they went about their work.

On stormy nights, Johnny would take out his silver kite with the golden string and fly it high up through the hole in the roof of the subway station. Up and up his kite would fly, up past the tree lined street, up past the apartment buildings and tenements, up and up, higher than the tallest building in the heart of the city.

When the storm raged, Johnny’s kite would be tossed about in the wind.  But the silver kite was strong and the golden string unbreakable.The kite would dance in the blackened sky and bolts of lightening flash onto it’s shiny metallic surface and shoot down along the golden string and through the the bolts in Johnny’s neck.

After the storm was over Johnny would reel in his kite and walk out onto the tracks. Kneeling down, he would place his hands on the third rail and all the electricity stored in Johnny’s body would surge out of his hand, down the rail and into the reserve batteries at the end of the roadhouse.

This kept Johnny well grounded and riding the subway free of charge.

The Whole30

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Today is my second day on the new diet my Wife said I should try for the next 30 days.  Well it was nice to at least present it as a choice, implying that my mind had not already been made up for me. The word “Paleo” has its origin in Greek, meaning old or ancient, referring to the foods I would be eating and not my age.  The program is sometimes called the caveman diet because consumption is restricted to whole foods like meat fish and poultry, nuts, seeds, berries and fruits, and a lot of green vegetables, the leafier the better.  Sounds like cavemen did very well for themselves.

Not allowed are sweeteners, processed food, dairy, and legumes.  Legumes, in case you are not up on your botany, includes beans, lentils, peanuts, and soy.  What they did to upset the rest of the mummies in the food pyramid, I’ll never know.  But I have a fairly good idea why my wife wouldn’t want me eating beans. At any rate,  you should now have a good idea of what is allowed and what is not.  Anything you can kill or pick off a tree, good! Anything you might actually enjoy, bad!

Oh did I mention no alcohol, see last line, second paragraph.

Now fortunately for me, I’ve always been fond of fruits and vegetables. Apples, oranges, grapes, carrots, celery, all found at snack city central for me.  Snack, oh yeah, that’s frowned upon as well by the true fanatics (I mean purists).  It’s about having a responsible relationship with food and developing a healthy respect for our bodies and the nutrients with which we sustain ourselves.  My wife would argue that I have failed to develop these simple skills even on a personal level during fifteen years of marriage, let alone any across six decades of dietary hedonism. Did I mention no alcohol?

Even the most teetotaling of physicians will concede to the health benefits of red wine.  Many doctors recommend a glass a day to lower cholesterol and promote heart health.  If one glass of wine is that good for the average Joe, I can only assume that I am four or five times healthier than the general population.

As much as I will miss, the occasional Klondike bar, the hooch is where I will suffer the strongest temptation and probably reap the greatest benefit.  There are approximately 650 calories in a bottle of red wine, even more in a bottle of Chardonnay.  Hmm…I wonder if the spouse has thought this one all the way through.

I’ve already quit smoking, now no drinking for at least the next 30 days. In addition, take away ice cream, cookies or even a friggin slice of dried toast, and I can say that 2017 is off to an exciting start.  At this rate the only thing I have left to give up for Lent is my will to live.